Being an employee blows sometimes

Since November of last year (2021), I’ve been working for a nonprofit organization that seeks to take creative people on the autism spectrum and teach them technical skills so they can use their creativity to land a job. Another of the organization’s goals is to show employers what kind of environment is most conducive to the care and maintenance of their autistic employees. At first, I was going to head up their media team, which makes promotional videos and other media to generate funds for the organization, but that didn’t really work out. I never really felt “in charge” of it, and there was already someone there who was much better suited to that who finally stepped up.

Seeing how well I work with my two stepsons, the boss put me in charge of the internship program. Part of being in charge was creating the program from the ground up. The interns would be unpaid, but we were open to taking in anyone on the autism spectrum who had aptitude for and interest in supplementing their creative skills with technical skills just like I’ve done.

But that didn’t really pan out either. I was recently told that budget issues meant the company was going to focus on the revenue-generating media team and drop the internship program because it wasn’t getting the grants that the boss was hoping for. It makes sense to me, since we only really had one intern. The only person getting paid was me, which made it too expensive to keep running.

What I should have done is get them to guarantee me a certain number of hours. I was willing to accept $16 an hour because the hours were steady. Now that they’ve been ripped away, I see that they could have always been ripped away. I was always at their mercy. The same is true of everyone who works as someone’s employee. I thought it would be different working for a nonprofit organization, but it all came down to how much money I’m bringing into the company. In the end, money mattered more than I did.

Trying stuff

I got my first job when I was 16. I worked at Whataburger, and overall, I hated it. I felt trapped when I was there, and I hated being in a position where I had to do whatever someone else told me. In the vast majority of the jobs I’ve had since then, it only got worse, especially when I was pressured to make sales.

I had more than a dozen jobs here and there until I was about 27 or 28, and it wasn’t just the jobs themselves that made me miserable. It was having to always have a job and thinking that that was just going to be my life. It made me unhappy, and it turned me into a paranoid narcissist. The only escape I had was believing that I was special and the world was trying to keep me down.

After Hollywood Video died and my job there died with it, I gave up on that kind of job. I could no longer even bring myself to fill out a job application. I still can’t. My girlfriend, Michelle, encouraged me to get my official autism diagnosis so I could get on disability for the freedom to explore what I wanted to do, and it has been so much better.

Now I have a number of different projects I’m working on, and though I haven’t struck gold with anything yet, I’m enjoying these beginnings of my journey to success.

Thinking differently

There are many voices in the autism community talking about how we have a hard time being understood by non-autistics. Mine is among them. But it recently really began to dawn on me just what the differences in our ways of thinking entail. And as I ponder this, it seems to me that I’ve had difficulties understanding non-aspies in the same way that they misunderstand me.

Unlike many aspies, I’m pretty decent at socializing. It tires me horribly, but I can get into “social mode” and make it through a social function, coming off to everyone there as “normal,” maybe even delightful. (I’m pushing it, I know. :p) But this is a persona based on imitating what I’ve observed as appropriate and entertaining behavior in others. It’s a mask made of my own genius.

On a much more fundamental level, the processes that take place in my mind as I take in information are very different from those in others. I don’t feel the way others do about things. I’m not patriotic, I’m not a sports fan, I’m very nonreligious, I’m not a feminist or an ally, I’m not outraged by the injustices that people bring up every day on Facebook, and there are many other things that seem to define a normal way of thinking that are totally alien to me. It’s as if I was born on another planet, and I’ve always felt that way. My sisters could tell you about the years of my childhood when I fantasized that I’d been born on Mars. Even back then, I picked up on the fact that there was something different about me.

And even though there are also differences in the way even individual aspies think, feel, and process information, I think we all know what it feels like to be different. In my opinion, the best way to begin fostering understanding between us and non-autistics is to work to understand them. It might make an interesting academic study.

Indigo Children = Narcissists

I once went to a counselor about some mental/personality issues I was dealing with, and she told me to look into this thing called “indigo children.” I looked into it, and do you know what I discovered? I am a wizard! I have supernatural powers and I am omniscient! I can leap tall buildings in a single bound! Obviously, that’s not true.

This garbage was recently brought to my attention, and I started refuting the bullet list point-by-point to my girlfriend when I realized I should post it here instead. First I’ll give you an overview of it.

Since the 1990’s, a growing number of medical professionals have dismissed the traditional ADHD diagnoses associated with long-term social and behavioral health problems, and have instead sided with their parents who insist that they possess supernatural powers.

I understand parents wanting to believe their children have no flaws and are special snowflakes for no other reason than that they are their babies, but that doesn’t justify eschewing real science and medical knowledge in favor of nonsense. The culture in the United States encourages people to value superstition and intuition over logic and reason.

So anyway, on to the bullet list.

How to recognise an Indigo Child

What are the behavioral patterns of Indigos?

• They are born feeling and knowing they are special and should be revered.

  Nobody is born knowing anything except that it’s frickin freezing outside of a uterus. If you encourage your child to believe he or she should be revered, you are raising a narcissist.

• An indigo knows they belong here as they are and expect you to realize it as well.

  Don’t even think about trying to help your child learn to get along with other people or get him/her medication so he/she can function in the world. If your child is a stubborn brat, just give him/her everything he/she wants. Then gaze in wonder at the narcissist you’ve unleashed upon the world.

• These children are more confident and have a higher sense of self-worth.

  These children are narcissists. How many times can I say it? Your child is not better than anyone else, so do not raise them to believe they are.

• Absolute authority, the kind with no choices, negotiation, or input from them does not sit well. The educational system is a good example.

  Your child is the authority, not you. He’s a wizard, not a narcissist. Bow to his every command.

• Some of the rules we so carefully followed as children seem silly to them and they fight them.

  We did not carefully follow rules as children. Every child tests limits and disobeys rules. They need boundaries, not magic wands.

• Rigid ritualistic systems are considered archaic to an indigo child. They feel everything should be given creative thought.

  To a child, ten years ago is the same thing as a million years ago. Children don’t know what archaic means. Not everything should be given creative thought. “Should I look both ways before I cross the street, or should I act like a chicken instead?”

• They are insightful and often have a better idea of method then what has been in place for years. This makes them seem like “system busters.”

  You mean than. They don’t understand the reason that rules are in place, and because they’re completely selfish, they would rather just do whatever they want. Kids break rules. It’s not a super power.

• Adults often view an indigo as anti-social unless they are with other indigos. Often they feel lost and misunderstood, which causes them to go within.

  Some kids are introverted. It’s ok. It’s not a superpower. It’s just a personality trait.

• The old control methods like, “Wait till your father gets home,” have no affect on these children.

  Don’t threaten kids with violence. That opens up a worse can of worms than the one  you’re opening with this “indigo children” nonsense.

• The fulfillment of their personal needs is important to them, and they will let you know.

  You’d better buy that kid every toy he or she wants and let them have ice cream for dinner. If you don’t, you’ll wake up one morning having been turned into a newt. And no, you won’t get better.

There’s another bullet list that could be a whole other blog post, so I’ll just leave this one off here. Check out the link if you want to read some grade-A woo.

Asperger’s on the Inside

Michelle Vines’s new book, Asperger’s on the Inside, is coming out on April 8, which just happens to be Autism Awareness Month. Hurray! It’s not a dry textbook about the clinical definition of Autism. It’s a personal story about her life and how it was affected by her Asperger’s Syndrome.

Yay for life

I tend to find things to write about mostly when something is bothering me, so I thought I’d post something happy while nothing is bothering me. I don’t really have anything specific planned to write. I just wanted to wiggle my fingers on the keyboard for a bit and see what words come out.

Since I got my lens back from Canon and switched to Linux Mint on my main computer, I’ve felt very satisfied as far as my aspie obsessions are concerned. I take a lot of pictures, I get to use a variety of operating systems among my various devices (desktop with Linux, tablet with Windows 10, and Kindle Fire running Kindle’s version of Android), I’m not sick or injured, I’m in a wonderful relationship, and I just discovered that I have powers like Superman.

You would think that this would be the part where I confess that I’m just kidding, but no. I’m Superman. Deal with it. :p

Another Autcraft follow up

Aspies and Minecraft go together like ham and cheese. I said I’d post some screenshots of what I’ve been working on in Autcraft, so here they are!

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Autcraft follow up

I’ve spent more time in Autcraft and learned a lot about how things work there, and it is pretty cool. They have different worlds set up for different things, like four separate worlds to build in (two peaceful worlds and two hard worlds), a world for gathering resources, worlds for mini games, quiet worlds where there’s no chat, and more. The resource-gathering worlds reset monthly, so all resources are renewable, unlike in a normal Minecraft world where the resources are still vast but finite.

There are also things you can buy, like commands that heal you, fill your food bar, and repair your equipment. For $2 a month, I have the ability to repair all of my equipment an unlimited number of times whenever I want. They also have one-time-purchase packages that give you a status in the chat (iron, gold, and diamond) and access to other commands. The iron status is $20, the gold status is $50, and the diamond status is $100. With diamond comes the ability to fly and designate up to ten homes, so I really want to get that.

As before, the community is very friendly and helpful, and they keep a close eye on the chat to ensure that any unpleasant interactions are kept to a minimum. I highly recommend it to autistic kids, autistic adults, and their families.

Autcraft

After hearing and reading so much about Autcraft, a Minecraft server for people with autism and their families, I checked out the website and filled out the application to be added to the whitelist. The site said it would take 1-2 weeks for the application to be processed, so I waited. A few days later, I had a message in my email saying I’ve been accepted. Yay! So I followed their instructions and logged in last night.

I received a very warm welcome. The moment I logged in, everyone said hi, and a few people came up to give me some stuff. Then one of the admins showed me around and showed me how to pick a spot to build my house. She also gave me some materials to build my house out of. It wasn’t enough to do as much as I plan to do, but it was a very nice start.

The chat is active and friendly, and I feel like if I need help, I can easily get it. I look forward to exploring Autcraft more and being a productive member of the community. I might also post some screenshots of my house once it’s impressive enough.

The power of self-awareness

Aspies are a quirky bunch, and we each have our own individual quirks. As I get to understand myself better and better, I find myself becoming aware of things that I do that are classic aspie things, like looking for just the right spoon to eat my morning cereal. The funny thing is, as I’m more aware that I do these things, it doesn’t make me want to do them any less. As I look for the spoon with the right shape, depth, and design on the handle, I know that it doesn’t really matter which spoon I use, but I still get the same satisfaction from finding and using the right one.

It really doesn’t matter that some of the things we do are neurotic and unnecessary. If it doesn’t hurt anybody and it gives you a level of peace of mind, it’s fine. We have reasons for wanting to sit at the right spot on the couch while we watch TV, line things up in just the right order, and drink juice from the cup whose color matches the bowl we’re eating dinner from. It might not make sense to other people, but it makes sense to us, and we’re happy to explain if you’re curious. :p