A few years ago, one of my friends came out on social media as nonbinary, and I handled it like a boomer. I thought about it like a boomer too. I didn’t get it. If someone who is clearly a man tells me they’re a woman, I just couldn’t believe them. Men and women look different, and you are what you look like, right?
I was wrong. There are trans women who look like my definition of women, and there are trans men who look like my definition of men. So maybe as long as you pass, your gender identity is valid.
I was wrong again. Why should the feelings of people who can look a certain way count more than the feelings of people who can’t? I struggled with the idea for a long time, and during that time, I refrained from saying anything about it. Instead, I listened to what other people had to say. I especially listened to the voices of trans and nonbinary people and those who were where I wanted to be with it. I wanted to understand and accept what allowed others to be at peace with their gender identities and the gender identities of others.
The first message that really started to get through to me was that people who deny the stated gender identities of other people are jerks. That’s what shut me up about my opinions on the matter. I knew that whatever I had to say about it would out me as a jerk. I knew this from experience too, as it drove away one of my friends whom I should have been supporting. I wanted to be a good person, not a bad one.
Then it occurred to me that I’m nobody special. Who am I to decide what a man or a woman is? I don’t have the authority to tell someone else how to live their life or what to call themselves. And when I gatekeep people’s gender, I’m not just being a jerk, but I’m also contributing to the voices in the world that drive so many to suicide.
Seeing the ways different men, including myself, express their masculinity revealed to me that it really is a spectrum. Right-wing pundit Matt Walsh can grow a beard, wear flannel shirts, and speak with an artificially deepened voice (he might not do the last one), but there’s something about him that is just “girlier” than Dwayne Johnson. That femininity isn’t a bad thing. It’s part of who Matt is, and it’s unfortunate that he’s so ashamed of it.
When I look at my own expressions of gender, there are areas where I am more feminine than masculine. I spend a good portion of every day telling my dogs what cute babies they are in the cutesiest voice I can muster. It’s extremely satisfying. Femininity is a source of strength. Don’t let anybody tell you different. It’s what drives me to forge connections with other people, and it’s what makes other people open up to me so that I get to know them on a deep level very quickly.
But as often as I’ve found success in my relationships, I’ve also failed. Arrogance, quickness to anger, and pride have burned many social bridges in my life. I’m glad to say that my attitude regarding gender identity has improved greatly. I don’t mean for this to be all about me. I want for it to be about the conclusions I’ve drawn by observing and listening to others.
A woman is a person who identifies as a woman. A man is a person who identifies as a man. It doesn’t matter what genitals they have, what clothes they wear, what genes they have, whether they can impregnate or be impregnated, how they identified in the past, or how anybody feels when they look at them. It doesn’t even matter if they are a nice person. Every gender is valid, and there are more than two of them.
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