It’s been an exhausting week and I’ve actually worked pretty hard most of the workdays; I also took care of some personal business like getting a haircut and going to my dentist today. I watched the last episode of the current volume of Treme that we have on Netflix rental DVD with my mom, then I tried to watch the Rockets game but was so tired I went to bed not long after my mom retired for the night. If I had just laid down in bed and remained motionless, sleep would’ve overtaken me and I would be snoozing right now.
When I was a teenager through most of my 30s, there was one thing that worked as well as any sleeping pill to get me to doze off to la la land. Masturbation. That would typically put me out like a light, i.e. afterward. But now that I’m in my 40s, it just doesn’t have the same knock-out effect on me that it used to. If anything, it often gives me a “second wind” and makes me more wide awake afterwards. Or rather, all that is required to get to the end point really riles up my body and the after effect of the orgasm isn’t enough to render me unconscious, isn’t enough to counteract the earlier getting riled up phase. That stimulation dominates and makes me more wide awake most of the time. It’s no longer the reliable “natural sleep aid” it used to be. I think, also, that being married and being a considerate lover as a husband might have changed me as well, since there I also did just immediately doze off, out of respect for my partner. I would tolerate post-coital cuddling to some degree, but I would resist trying to fall asleep in my wife’s arms or her in mine. Lovemaking is one thing, sleep is quite another matter and any partner of mine needs to keep on their side of the bed when I’m trying to sleep. We can kiss & cuddle in the morning but when it’s time to sleep, we need to sleep. My ex-wife more or less accepted this about life with me, though she would NOT tolerate my wanting to change sleeping locations if I woke up during the night (a habit I’d developed as a bachelor and undiagnosed Aspie). Anyway, I do need to get up relatively early in the AM to go get my car’s oil changed. I predict I’ll be tired again tomorrow but at least I can take an afternoon nap after lunch to try and get a little more “caught up” on sleep.
My libido isn’t quite as revved up as high as it was in my teens through my 30s (thank goodness) but it’s still pretty strong.
The usual Aspie awkwardness aside for a moment, though, I think hearing the words “my church” are just as crushingly disappointing to hear from a woman’s lips as hearing “my boyfriend”. Boyfriends come and go, but church affiliation is a much tougher nut to crack and usually not worth trying. I’d really hoped my ex-wife was on the verge of chucking her religious faith once and for all, but to my great chagrin, not only did that NOT happen, she doubled-down on her religiosity to an unbearable degree and became increasingly dissatisfied with being married to an unapologetic atheist and kept trying to actively shame and guilt me into converting, which just irritated and annoyed me, and my defiance angered her. We “lived in sin” for quite some time before she could no longer bear her religious guilt and insisted we marry or break up. I married because I still loved her at the time and did NOT want to let what felt like a good thing go. I wanted to make an honest effort of it and I did, it just wound up being an impossible situation in the long run and I had to bail. I gave it my best, but it as a no-win scenario.
I still have fond memories of my former wife, and when it was good, it was REALLY good. We had some really wonderful and precious moments together that I’ll treasure in my heart always. I hope she allows herself to feel those emotions in her memories as well. She has grudgingly admitted long after the fact that I wasn’t a bad husband. That’s good enough for me. I know I rehash this particular relationship a lot in these posts, but it really had a profound impact on my life and upon my awakening as an Aspie, so I beg the reader’s indulgence. Writing is also something I do as a night owl to chase elusive ZZZs and give my restless brain something constructive to do in the hopes it will bring on exhaustion and sleep. Sometimes it actually works.