As wonderful as social media can be to connect us to other people with shared interests, other adult ASD people, etc, it can get to feel overwhelming at times and there are legitimate times where one needs to take a step back and away from social media such as Facebook for a time. My participation in social media like Facebook ebbs and flows. Often as a result of “oversharing” (a common Aspie trait), I tend to get really self conscious and pull away. I feel in the pit of my stomach a ball of anxiety and just feel like I’m going to die from acute embarrassment. I want to hide under a rock and not make contact with anyone. In fact I’m kind of feeling that way now. In spite of that, I did force myself to attend Houston Oasis this morning to get out and be among real people. I mostly sat by myself and interacted very little with the other people in the congregation. I mainly wanted to hear the main talk of the day, which was about a former Mormon who left the church and is now with Oasis. I also went out to lunch afterward, though I only met one new person and mostly stuck to Oasiens I knew already. I really just wanted to listen to other people talk than to say very much myself. It was good to get out. Now I’m back home, and after I finish this essay I’m going to read the rest of the afternoon then maybe take a nap if the urge strikes. I have some reading I’d like to get caught up on at any rate. I do futz around a little on Twitter, but I use it far less often when it’s not NBA regular season time. I use Twitter mainly as a passive reading medium, only seldom as a communication tool with others, the sole exception being to talk Anime with other interested Anime fans whom I’ve met and corresponded with on Twitter. I also futz around on Google+, but not very often. I don’t check my old-school email address all that often, maybe every few days. I’m much more on top of my Gmail, which I check almost daily. I have a Tumblr but don’t use it very much, except via my iPhone or iPad.
I had a strangely intense dream this morning about having to change my bedroom around and it was rather upsetting but I was trying to make the best of it. It felt like the dream went on for hours and hours when in fact in real-world time it was only one hour. I guess because the shorter sleep period dreams are easier to remember is why they seem so vivid while overnight dreams not always so much, unless one was dreaming right before the alarm goes off for work, etc. The dream must’ve been purely metaphorical because I was upset about losing pieces of furniture than in reality I haven’t owned for several years, owing to my divorce. I was also not pleased with the windows and the bed was too short/cramped but evidently could be extended and I was in the midst of puzzling out how when I woke up.
One of the pervasive conditions of having adult Aspergers is that feeling of merely pretending to be a grown adult but feeling like you’re faking it and that one day you’re gonna get exposed for being a fraud of an adult.
I thought about an old girlfriend, who I’ll call YC, and how much I loved her and had a strangely intense biological urge to have kids with her. We never did, of course, and our relationship was pretty rocky and complicated by the fact she was dating someone else through a large portion of our relationship. But the thought occurred to me that if our relationship had been more “normal”, i.e. if there had been no third party to complicate matters…if we had had just a normal, straightforward dating relationship, I do remember in those days how strongly I wanted to marry and have kids with YC. Had we done so, it dawned on me the other day that if that had happened over the span of time of our actual on again, off again relationship, then YC and I would today be the parents of a new teenager (13). That’s a sobering and terrifying thought. I barely feel able to manage my own life, much less capable of providing for the welfare of a child under the same roof. I guess people do the best they can and hope for the best. And nobody is ever truly “ready”. I will probably wind up childless and I’m frankly okay with that. My ex-wife and I considered children but I’m glad we did not go that route. My girlfriend LS, after my ex-wife, was really nice and I might’ve considered marriage and children with her, but my ambition was still strong to make headway in academic librarianship, and I couldn’t do that if I allowed myself to develop deep emotional attachments that tied me to Houston. Had I had 20×20 foreknowledge of how things would play out with that next library gig, I might’ve been content to stay with my corporate employer at the time and settle down with LS. But I didn’t so I didn’t. I’m grateful for those 6 months with LS, for I was truly happy, and the memories shall stick with me forever, just like the good times with YC and yes, even my ex-wife as well.
Anyway, sometimes this blog space is an oasis of sorts for me away from other internet spaces. Just me and this text editor and my thoughts. A space for more long-form contemplation than allowed by Facebook or Twitter. Anyway, with that thought I’ll draw this disjointed mess of a post to a close. Best wishes everyone. Take care of yourselves out there.