So mom came up to bug me again; oh, excuse me, I mean “engage me in conversation”, I mean, oh, yeah, that’s right….NAG ME AGAIN about my weight/body. So yeah, lots of crap I don’t want to hear and lots of awkward silences or one word answers from me. I’m insulted because I’m very aware of my current waist size, very aware that the working out that I do basically maintains it; I’m seldom losing weight, but I’m also not gaining, or only gradually gaining. I’m not as thin as mom would like me to be, but I’m not at the out-of-control levels I was in North Texas either. Perhaps it would be nicer to be slimmer and more desirable to the opposite sex from a physical standpoint, but good looks can only carry me so far. It doesn’t take much for my social ineptitude to trip me up. And my thinning hair is eventually going to fail the comb-over test. I’m not sure I could find and win over another girlfriend or wife even if I actively wanted one for sure. The ex-wife was such a risky gamble that just happened to pay off in the short term, though ultimately failing in the longer term, like roughly 50% of all American marriages.
Mom also said “you could practice social conversation with me some time…”; and I muttered back “I’m not really that interested in that.”. Jeesh, could I BE any more stereotypically Aspie…sometimes I just blurt out blunt, hurtful things because I just want to be left the f*ck alone. I stare hard into a wall and clam up without another word until the other person gives up and leaves me alone.
And of course mom was interrupting an Anime that I was streaming via Netflix on my PS3. Not that it mattered, I had it paused, could always go back to it later, but it still just irked the sh*t out of me. And I realize that my mother is sometimes lonely. Dad went unexpectedly back to the country because one of his workers accidentally put his foot through the roof on one of his properties and he went up to supervise the repairs. Dad is no spring chicken anymore; He’s…he is elderly and just doesn’t have the energy and strength he used to. He loves being up in the countryside near Lake Livingston. He loves working on his property up there…but it just drains him empty. He comes home and is lethargic from lack of energy.
I know mom sometimes craves talk, social interaction, etc, but sometimes it’s really just not in me to give. I do what I can to give her proper “face time” at meals, and sometimes in the evening. We sometimes watch shows together, like the Rachel Maddow show on MSNBC, and we are also watching the HBO series Boardwalk Empire together on rental DVD, which we are both enjoying. I feel like that should be enough. I know she worries about my health and my body but really, that’s ultimately my concern not hers. Even though I’m not in tip top shape, I’m reasonably confident I will outlive both my parents. I’m not grossly unhealthy, I’m just not as motivated to be as fanatically diligent about what I eat every single day of every week that is apparently required to consistently lose weight and maintain it at the level required to stay in size 36 pants. I’m just unwilling and unmotivated to stay that on top of things…for me it just kills my self-generated spontaneity and joie de vivre on some level. I’m basically okay with how I am now and would please like to be left the fuck alone about it, but evidently I’m to be put back under the microscope for awhile. God I hate this sh*t in my family at times.
I have my friends that I hang out with at times. I sometimes still go to things on my own and have a perfectly reasonably good time, whether it’s to the Anime screenings in Katy or like this past Saturday when I went to the last University of Houston collegiate baseball game of their regular season. It was actually an exciting game with real competitiveness, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I did flip through my issue of Otaku USA magazine during some of the slow parts, but more often than not I paid rapt attention to the game itself. The only downside about it was afterwards…I hadn’t realized that although I was sitting mostly in shade, my legs had been exposed to the sun, and they got pretty badly sunburned just above the knee. My forearms got sunburned a bit, too, though not as painfully bad as the legs. I hadn’t thought about sunscreen until I was nearly there–I considered trying to find a pharmacy to run into and get some, but then nixed the idea because I was anxious to find parking and get to the game on time. Anyway, I’ve been liberally applying aloe gel to my sunburn every so often, and that does help relieve the pain & discomfort, despite the goey mess of it.
I sometimes feel like an ass, ending conversations with my mom like that, retreating into a stony silence, but sometimes I genuinely am at a loss for words and don’t know what the hell else to say. I was like that with my ex-wife at times, though in her case it was more excruciating because she forced me to say SOMETHING, anything–usually the wrong thing that would result in a knock-down, drag-out emotional verbal fight that would exhaust me (literally at times, depriving me of sleep)…we might eventually work our way back to a respectful, loving understanding but it always took a long time and yes, sometimes the make-up sex was fantastic…but I would just as soon have not had to have the argument at all.
It was the suggestion to practice social conversation with my mom that angered and triggered the motivation to write this post. Yet another example (for me) of mom just wanting me To Not Be Aspie. Social banter “not really your thing”? Well, silly, just practice it…
…never mind if I simply just really don’t want to. That’s me being a jerk, apparently. NT parents apparently feel no compunction about forcing their social need for conversation upon their Aspie children. It’s somehow my fault for refusing to reciprocate this imposition.
Sorry. I’m just angry and unfocused and felt the need to write this down.