When I first started getting interested in girls, I found the interest very overwhelming. Whenever I ran across an alluring picture of a woman, I found it difficult not to stare. You can imagine the many sources of fascination that I found all over the place living in the united states, but even more overwhelming were my difficulties with romantic relationships.
I don’t know if it’s this way with other aspies, but as a young teen (13-14), the desire to experience sex was incredibly strong. But, as is probably the case with just about all aspies, establishing a romantic relationship proved impossible for me when I didn’t even know how to begin. I was raised around girls (three sisters, no brothers), but I had a lot of trouble talking to them. There may have been girls who liked me at various points during my teen years, but I only became aware of it when they directly told me, which happened occasionally but not often. Many opportunities passed me by because of my obliviousness, but it’s probably for the best because getting into a relationship wasn’t even half of the struggle for me when it came to romance.
If you think the struggle to decipher girls’ body language and figure out who likes you is difficult, imagine the trouble I had as an aspie finally finding myself in a relationship. I had my first girlfriend at 16. She was 15, but she was very sexually aggressive, and it made me nervous. I gained a lot more sexual experience than most 16 year old aspies tend to gain, but because of my apprehension when it comes to sex (catholic upbringing), I got out of it with my virginity intact.
That experience did nothing to ease my nervousness around women. It may have even worsened it. Though talking to women became easier for me as I grew older and my sense of humor developed, when I got the impression that one had romantic/sexual interest in me, I got very nervous. When I was out with my girlfriend during my senior year of high school, I didn’t know if she wanted me to make any sort of moves. Even when she told me directly that she wanted me to kiss her, I had a mental block that stopped me. It didn’t feel right despite the fact that I was physically attracted to her. I probably gave her the impression that I was a closeted homosexual, but that wasn’t the case. I was just paralyzed with fear of what kissing might lead to.
Now at 30 years old, I can happily say that I have completely gotten over all these issues thanks to willpower and a very patient girlfriend. My experiences are unique, and I am lucky enough not to have major sensory issues, but I think there’s hope for anyone at any stage of “amoraphobia”. A satisfying romantic relationship is possible for aspies, but first you should really take a hard look in your inner mirror and learn who you are, how you tick, and accept that you are a good person who deserves to be loved and appreciated.