Sex and Relationship Issues

When I first started getting interested in girls, I found the interest very overwhelming.  Whenever I ran across an alluring picture of a woman, I found it difficult not to stare.  You can imagine the many sources of fascination that I found all over the place living in the united states, but even more overwhelming were my difficulties with romantic relationships.

I don’t know if it’s this way with other aspies, but as a young teen (13-14), the desire to experience sex was incredibly strong.  But, as is probably the case with just about all aspies, establishing a romantic relationship proved impossible for me when I didn’t even know how to begin.  I was raised around girls (three sisters, no brothers), but I had a lot of trouble talking to them.  There may have been girls who liked me at various points during my teen years, but I only became aware of it when they directly told me, which happened occasionally but not often.  Many opportunities passed me by because of my obliviousness, but it’s probably for the best because getting into a relationship wasn’t even half of the struggle for me when it came to romance.

If you think the struggle to decipher girls’ body language and figure out who likes you is difficult, imagine the trouble I had as an aspie finally finding myself in a relationship.  I had my first girlfriend at 16.  She was 15, but she was very sexually aggressive, and it made me nervous.  I gained a lot more sexual experience than most 16 year old aspies tend to gain, but because of my apprehension when it comes to sex (catholic upbringing), I got out of it with my virginity intact.

That experience did nothing to ease my nervousness around women.  It may have even worsened it.  Though talking to women became easier for me as I grew older and my sense of humor developed, when I got the impression that one had romantic/sexual interest in me, I got very nervous.  When I was out with my girlfriend during my senior year of high school, I didn’t know if she wanted me to make any sort of moves.  Even when she told me directly that she wanted me to kiss her, I had a mental block that stopped me.  It didn’t feel right despite the fact that I was physically attracted to her.  I probably gave her the impression that I was a closeted homosexual, but that wasn’t the case.  I was just paralyzed with fear of what kissing might lead to.

Now at 30 years old, I can happily say that I have completely gotten over all these issues thanks to willpower and a very patient girlfriend.  My experiences are unique, and I am lucky enough not to have major sensory issues, but I think there’s hope for anyone at any stage of “amoraphobia”.  A satisfying romantic relationship is possible for aspies, but first you should really take a hard look in your inner mirror and learn who you are, how you tick, and accept that you are a good person who deserves to be loved and appreciated.

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2 thoughts on “Sex and Relationship Issues

  1. You’re not alone. I can relate to some of the things mentioned here. When I first started having an interest in girls (around 11 – 12), it was quite strong. I did have an intense desire to experience sex, and also found it hard to look away from pictures of attractive women. I’m also aware that I missed out on some, or perhaps many, relationship opportunities.

    For one thing, most of my close and “close” (friends I considered close) high school friends were girls that were mostly older than me, but some also younger (mostly single, too). I’m also sure one of the older girls had an interest in me. That, or she was often quite touchy-feely with me, i.e. hugs, hand holding, etc. She even kissed me on the cheek once. Although, we were playing spin the bottle. It was the first and only kiss I’ve gotten from a girl or woman outside of my family and relatives. Nonetheless, it felt great.

    I was also largely clueless as to girl’s body language. I had a lot of trouble picking up on things like that. I wanted a girlfriend relationship with a girl, and I still do. I just didn’t know how to go about it. I still have these issues, although I can better identify such things nowadays than back then. One thing that’s largely holding me back nowadays (aside from my own transportation) is not having any girl friends that live near me who are single (and who’d want a relationship with a non-religious/non-Christian guy).

    I’m glad you’ve had such success. Very inspiring words too, as far as your last paragraph goes. One day, I’m sure I will have such success too. I’m a great person, and one day, I will find my special someone. ^_^

  2. Although it ended in a bitter divorce, I still don’t regret my relationship with my ex-wife, CRC, because it was the one time in my life where I threw doubt and caution to the wind and decided to just “go for it”. She had a reputation as a “man hater” and bit of a “ball buster”, so her friends were quite shocked when we ended up together. But I was really quite conventional in my approach. We watched the movie “A.I” together and during it I held her hand. She thought this was touching and cute and allowed it. Our next time together we actually kissed, and though it was weird and awkward that first time, it became increasingly natural and enjoyable. It took a lot of effort, a lot of coaxing, a lot of “two steps forward, one step back”, but we did eventually sleep together. My Ex went on to become my first truly successful adult sexual relationship of any significant duration (2 full years). The union did not produce any children, but not for lack of trying. For the first year or so I was deliriously in love with her and I would never trade or give up that experience for anything in the world. Even after our marriage fell apart, I did much later manage to have a successful girlfriend relationship with a fellow divorcee that lasted 6 blissful months together. It is possible for Aspie men to achieve; but the earlier one receives one diagnosis the better. The best thing is to be pursued by an aggressive woman who wants you whom you also happen to like. The next best thing is to avoid the goddesses and go after the more down-to-earth human girls who are kind of nerdy and insecure but still beautiful and relateable. Be willing to let personality outweigh physical imperfection. Try to make her laugh. Be charming and kind, always. Find someone smart you can talk to. But also accept that “no means no”. As an Aspie, you’d be advised to stay away from the kind of confusing NT for whom “No means yes or maybe”–forget that noise. That’s hard enough for NT *men* (or lesbians) to decode, let alone an Aspie like yourself. My post-marital girlfriend was the best I could possibly ask for…a pretty, slightly older woman who wanted me and made no bones about it. My ex-wife I did ultimately have to expend effort on in wooing and pursuing, but she was herself odd and eccentric enough that somehow it worked. Personal “Chemistry” is everything. Beauty is skin deep. Avoid the willfully ignorant or the stupid or vapid. Don’t break the law, but don’t be inhibited if your love interest differs from you in age up or down. If she is of legal age and the feeling is mutual, then that is all that matters in the end.

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